Massachusetts Estate Planning and Elder Law

Planning Your Funeral On-Line

You can do everything else on-line these days - shop, communicate with friends and strangers, read the news, pay your bills, find a mate - and now you can plan your funeral on-line with MyWonderfulLife.  As the site explains:

Whether you want a completely customized event, or a traditional funeral, we make it easy to record your thoughts. Our resource section has many ideas to get you thinking about what you would ideally want.   You can enter as much or as little as you’d like and skip sections that aren't relevant to you. It's also easy to change things throughout your lifetime, as you change.  Here are some of the other things you can do at MyWonderfulLife.com:

• Leave letters to loved ones
• Document the music and writings you love 
• Leave your favorite memories, and anything else you’d like to share 
• Let your Angels know where all your “stuff” is, like bank accounts, wills, and other important information 
• Leave meaningful possessions to loved ones and tell them why 
• Make sure your kids and pets are taken care of 
• Write your own obituary 
• Design your own headstone 
• Upload some of your favorite photos that can be used at your service

You appoint "Angels" who will be notified that you have set up your account, and then after you pass away, they will log onto the site to download your last wishes. 

If having an on-line way to make these arrangements will encourage more people to do it, I think that is a good thing. 

If you prefer an "offline" method for recording these wishes, you can use a book like The What if...Workbook. Either way, it's important to have these things recorded, and to have someone who knows where to find all of your important documents. 

Should You Put Burial Instructions in Your Will?

I often have clients ask me if they should include their burial wishes in their Wills. I always tell them "no."  Your Will is the document that outlines how you want your property divided after your death, and hopefully it will not be the first thing people are reaching for when you pass away.

Your burial wishes should be written in a separate document and kept in a safe place. You may want to give copies to your family members or clergy, as well.  You can meet with a Funeral Director to do "pre-need" planning and prepay your funeral. Some of my clients have even written out the schedule for their memorial services, down to the music they want played and the type of flowers.  While these may seem like morbid topics, it makes things easier on those left behind if they don't have to be making too many decisions during their time of grief. 

The What If... Workbook by Gwen Morgan has an entire section devoted to end of life wishes and is a great way to have all of your important information in one place. 

Leaving Behind More Than Just Things

When people die, they leave behind more than just "things". More than just photos and furniture and money and houses and pets and clothes and clutter.  They leave behind things that were never said (and now can never be said), they leave unsettled grievances, misunderstandings and the results of actions or inactions that are left to be interpreted by those who are left behind.

When you are thinking about putting your "affairs in order", think about doing more than just signing a Will, a Trust, a Power of Attorney, a Health Care Proxy - those documents carefully drafted by your attorney.  Think about writing some of your own documents and keeping those in a safe place to be opened only upon your death (and changed by you whenever you need.)

If your children are young, you could write about what your values are that you hope to pass on to them, what your dreams are for them. If they are older, you could write about why you have structured trust distributions to be made in a certain way (such as for college or a down payment on house, but not a trip to France).  And if you have made vastly uneven bequests, or left someone out entirely, I encourage you to write about why you have done that, as well.  Often times the parent will say "She'll know why I'm doing this, she'll understand."  But I can pretty much guarantee you that a child (no matter what age) who has just lost a parent and then found out that he or she has been partially or totally disinherited will not understand. 

And since you are not around anymore to explain, their grief and anger and shock may cause them to lash out at their siblings, their other parent, even their parent's advisers looking for answers.  And you are the only one who could have provided this insight.

In writing the letter, you may find that you go through many drafts. You may find that your reasons become clearer and stronger.  Or you may  find that as you write they seem different, smaller, less important than they did before. Maybe the writing of the letter even causes you to change your mind. Or maybe it doesn't, which is fine, too.  But at least it will provide your loved ones with some insight and guidance, which only you can provide.

How Clear Are Your Last Wishes?

This is the title to a recent New York Times health blog post. (You need to register to read it, but it is free.)

The author recounts her experience with her family trying to deal with her grandfather's illness and their attempts to interpret his wishes about the end of his life.  She writes:

...the experience made me realize that having a living will isn’t enough — we need to be sure that we have been clear and specific, and that we have considered a variety of scenarios as we try to instruct our loved ones to make decisions for us in a medical crisis. Phrases like “terminal illness” are vague at a time when new treatments and drugs can keep patients with a terminal disease alive for months or years.

Many people prepare a "Living Will" or "Life Support Statement" as part of their estate plan.  As the author indicates, these documents are sometimes filled with vague statements about death being a natural part of life, and "heroic measures", which can make it difficult for your family to interpret in their time of grief.

I explain to my clients that even if they sign a Living Will, it is very important that they also have conversations with their loved ones about the different types of situations that can arise and what they might want done in those cases.  These conversations do not need to be a big, formal, one-time thing. They can occur if something is in the news about end of life care, or if a friend or relative is going through something similar.  It can be easier for your family to remember this way - "Oh, I remember when Aunt Peg was in the final stages of breast cancer, mom said she wouldn't want another surgery if that happened to her." 

The Mayo Clinic also has a great guide for discussing your last wishes.  It outlines the different treatments that you'll want to address: resuscitation, mechanical ventilation, nutrition and hydration assistance, dialysis and treatments at the end of life.  It also reminds you to revisit your wishes from time to time to see if they change - for instance during pregnancy or if you are diagnosed with a terminal illness. 

Green Burials

More people are going green these days - recycling, buying less, driving cars with better gas mileage, and just being good to the earth.  So it makes sense that these same people would not want to have a burial that causes pollution or involves toxic chemicals.  The Natural Burial Company provides caskets made from recycled paper and biodegradable materials, and their website has a wealth of information about green funerals, natural burials, and related resources.  They even have a link to a local company, Mourning Dove Studio, that makes one-of-a-kind caskets, urns and shrouds.

If you want your conservation efforts to continue even after you are gone, you may want to get in touch with these companies when you are planning for the end of life, and also make sure that your family knows your wishes.